Image courtesy of Google
Thank you. You prick.
I have wanted to say this to you for the longest time but I never got the chance to. I guess it was a good thing cause talking to you would have brought out the absolute worst in me. I guess it was a good thing you walked away & did not look back at the destruction you left behind with no care in the world.
You had destroyed me. The confidence that I was building, the joy I was feeling & wanted to spread to the world, the hope for new love…completely gone when I met you. You were so charming at first, you made me believe you were this sweet, considerate, nice guy that was just looking for love & hadn’t found it yet. You complained to me about the chicks from your country, calling them shallow & not knowing a good thing when they see it. At first I asked myself why they couldn’t see what a great guy you were, to me you were handsome, charming, a guy who took care of his Mom, an absolute animal lover & were super funny. God! Me & funny guys. They are my biggest weakness! Make me laugh, you make my heart swoon. Exactly what you did to me, B.
I wanted to prove that there was that one girl who could love you for you. The kind of love you’ve always been wanting but say you weren’t meant for it. I should have taken that as a sign, you saying that you were not meant for it just showed me you were not confident in yourself. And a guy who is not confident in himself, can never be confident in relationships. Far often, he will always be depending on someone else to make him feel good about himself & will it ever be enough? No.
I’ve always been the kind of girl who wants to show a man how great he is, build his self esteem, restore his beliefs in love. More often then not, this backfires on me because once he has even a spark of confidence, he shows me his true colors. And while I can leave as soon as I saw something that didn’t agree with me, I don’t know why on earth did I stay with you when you showed me first hand what kind of a person you were.
I don’t think you ever truly liked me, B. I don’t think you appreciated me for being there to listen to your rants every day about your Mom, your work, the people. I supported you when you were right but I’d hesitate to say anything against you when you were wrong. Do you remember the day you told me about a promotion you really wanted at work? I told you if you just sat there & say you want it, nothing would happen. You have to speak about it cause if you do not ask, the answer will always be No. I told you, you deserved that promotion for the work you did for many years & really wanted to see you grow.
I did not expect you to lash out at me. You started to yell at me about how I didn’t know what I was talking about. You pointed out that I was just a receptionist at the time & what the hell did I even know about hard work. You went on & on, jabbing & poking at all of my “flaws” while I sat there shocked. What on earth was happening, B?! I questioned if I delivered my message in a condescending manner that offended you. Deep down I know I did not but I blamed & convinced myself I must have done so else you wouldn’t have reacted that way. I apologized to you & did not try to explain myself because the way you seemed, you did not want to listen.
The next day, you talked to me but did not offer any apology for the night before. You sent me funny memes & started to talk about things that made me laugh. You were so charming to me that I forgot all about the previous night & brushed it aside as just a misunderstanding. But it did not end there.
You started to lash out at me at random times. I never understood what made you so angry so often. I couldn’t even crack a joke without thinking 4 times about it, you were like a ticking bomb ready to go off any minute. If I said the wrong thing, you would find something to insult about me & make me feel like shit. There was no calming you because that just made it worse. Anything I’d say or do made you behave in a way I just could never understand. And I never will.
Image courtesy of Google
I really don’t know why you have so much aggression inside you. I’ve tried to talk to you. God, I’ve tried to talk to you, but you do not listen when you go off on your tirades. You had no idea how every sentence you said ripped at a piece of my heart but I still forgave you the next day when you’d send me your memes or said something sweet, for that one moment. Because it was in those rare moments, I fall in love all over again with the man I was shown, hoping he would be the one to stay. Not the other malicious one.
But that’s not love, is it? Love is when you accept someone exactly for who they are, their good & bad. I didn’t know it at that time. All I saw is a man who needed love & understanding. Someone who needed compassion because he’s been through so much. But I wish I had spoken to someone about it, someone who would shake me & say “But what about you, Twali?! Don’t you think you deserve love & understanding too?!” But I guess I didn’t believe that. If I did, I wouldn’t have stayed in that mess, right?
The same thing continued for many months. We’d talk, you’d find something to scream about, throw abuses at me & go to bed like nothing happened. While I sat for nights crying & blaming myself for not being patient or understanding enough. Blaming myself was just so much easier than accepting the fact that you did not actually care for me. I did not see what was really happening here, B. You were using me as your emotional punching bag because I know you could never act out like this to the other people in your life. As I said earlier, you were charming & sweet to everyone. Everyone but me. You took advantage of the fact that I’d always be there for you to lash out at because you had to portray this image of Mr. Nice Guy to others. Why had I accepted this way of life? What was wrong with me? I remember once trying to tell you that I cared deeply for you & I wanted to make this work. I won’t forget how you laughed sarcastically & called me stupid, you said I was living in a fantasy world. It was fine if you did not feel the same, B. You didn’t owe me that, you didn’t owe me anything. But did you have to crush my soul that way? Was it really necessary that you embarrassed me that way? I never could understand why I never spoke up. Why I chose to remain silent. How did you do that, B? How did you steal my voice?
Image courtesy of Google
One final day, we had the usual routine of your screaming fits but this time, something changed inside me. As you screamed, I watched you. I took a really good look at you & realized you were just a little boy throwing tantrums. Yes you needed love, attention & compassion but no, this wasn’t to be given by me or anyone else. This was to be given to yourself. I realized you did not care for yourself, you couldn’t have possibly loved yourself if your way of life was about attacking the people who were closest to you. If that made you feel good, then I’m sorry to say but you really need to get help. I do hope you see this behaviour will never help you succeed, especially in relationships. I mean, I still think you’re a prick to this day because I hated myself for even staying as long as I did trying with you. But you’re one prick that I will choose to thank instead of hate.
So thank you, B. Thank you so much for this experience because I got to understand that breaking out of an abusive relationship is not as easy as it seems. You didn’t physically injure me but the emotional abuse was enough to destroy me. I had lost my confidence, sense of pride & dignity. I lost my way but only for one moment. Only one. Thankfully, I found my way back because I know I love myself enough to walk away from something that is clearly not worth it. I thank you for the lessons learned, especially the hard one where No one, absolutely no one can change a person unless they truly want to change themselves. Thank you for the lesson I needed in standing up for myself & speaking out. You stole my voice but I got it back.
As I heal from this completely, I wish you well, B. I wish you a life of love, light & compassion. Once upon a time, I cared for you but that time is up now. Hopefully, you’ve learned something valuable from me as I have from you.
Thank you guys for reading my post. It was a hard one to write because for the longest time I did not want to admit I was in an abusive relationship years ago. I decided to do so after I re-read a post of mine about abusive relationships, I figured it was time I told my story. Verbal abuse is just as bad as Physical because it can destroy a person if they don’t break free from it. If anyone needs to talk, please do not hesitate to come to me. I will be here. I promise.