Mombasa girls are easy

origImage courtesy of Google

That was said to me by a male friend while expressing his views about the women here. The feminist in me wanted to retaliate against him but instead I got curious to know why he’d think that. We discussed it at great length & I finally understood what he meant.

Surprisingly, I found myself agreeing with him.

Now wait a minute! Don’t be eyeing daggers at me just yet! Hear (read) me out first! Mombasa girls are known for their gorgeous looks & good manners, facts that cannot be denied. That’s awesome. That’s beautiful. We love that.

But there are some of us who are doing things the wrong way. I’m not sure if it’s intentional or it’s honestly just ignorance about how the minds of the opposite sex really work but I’m going to break down the stereotypes we’ve been facing because of some mistakes that could be earning us such a reputation.

  • Chasing after a guy who.does. not.want.you

I was in Tuskys the other day & was watching a scene while waiting at the cashier’s. There was a pretty lady flirting rather shamelessly with one of the customer service guys who looked like he wasn’t too thrilled by the attention. She was too engrossed in trying to get him that she didn’t even notice he was slowly trying to back away from her! Ladies, it’s nice to show a guy you’re interested, that’s a really brave thing to do. But there’s always a better way of doing it than throwing yourself at him! Pay attention! If a guy is looking at everywhere else BUT you. He’s not interested. If a guy responds with one word answers, it’s not that he’s shy, its because he’s not interested. If a guy, like the one above, is backing away with an excuse that he needs to check on bread for the third time when its clearly not his department to do so…He’s.Not.Interested. Don’t ponder on & on why he isn’t. Maybe you’re just not his type! It’s a hard pill to swallow but one that is very necessary to do. It does not mean you are not beautiful, it just means everybody has their own preferences. Just accept it, respect it & move along.

  • The ones who don’t mind the “Home Wrecker” title

There are those girls with the mentality that they’ll never, ever (with all these billions of men) find one who will marry them. So with this limited thinking, they often end up settling for whatever comes their way. Even if it means being concubines to married men. They think “But if he’s providing for my needs, why should I leave him??” Well just know you are not going to be in his life for long. It’s only until he gets what he wants from you or is bored of you. In the end, you are going to be known in town as “That Home Wrecker”. Society is often cruel to the women, never the men & I do not see this changing any time soon in Mombasa. Sad but true. Infact, why not work for what you want? There is no greater feeling than independence. It’s a very sexy thing! Strong men admire that & I guarantee you will find, a single willing guy to appreciate you if you stop chasing after the married ones.

  •  Giving the honey pot up waaaaaaay too fast

Women have been taught since the beginning of time never to give a man sex until he earns it. It’s a mission for some men to get as much sex as he can in his lifetime so why should you be his victory when he hasn’t worked to earn it? Sex is given out so freely these days, it’s shocking! No longer are women making men chase after them like the way it was back in the days.

Now, I’m not going to judge you if you choose to be sexually liberated. That’s your business & entirely upto you. But what I can say for sure is, you cannot expect a man to fall in love with you just because you gave him good sex. That is a colossal mistake! Let me tell you, the lessons we’ve been taught all our lives still apply today: Men love the chase. Always have, always will. So if you want to weed out the ones who are really into you & ones who are time wasters, just tell them one thing with a stern look “Visit my parents & propose to me.” Let them know they will never get to see, touch, smell your honey pot if they do not show commitment. You’re a jewel, your body is your temple & they need to respect it, not use it the way they want to. Trust me, a time waster will be making up so many excuses while still trying to convince you to give it up. Don’t fall for it. If he wants you so bad, and you know you want a commitment of any sorts, he has to commit. No excuses. Period.

  •  You are way too friendly with every Twalib, Daud & Haroun

You are found sitting from dawn to dusk with different guys every single day. They may only be good friends, some you see as your brothers but that’s not what everyone else sees. Sure, you’re going to say you don’t care what people think of you but how sure are you of your “friends”? Can you sincerely say you trust them enough to stand up for you when others talk shit? There are some guys that are not to be trusted & just because you can say they are your friends/brothers, it does not mean they wont try to have sex with you some time.

I’m not saying that you should not be friends with the opposite sex. After all, interaction with them will happen everywhere, everyday.  But what I’am saying is, do not spend time with them when they do nothing to contribute to your growth. There’s so many things for you to work on! Like your life goals! Such guys who have nothing real going for them will only drag your name in the mud with them.

 

Do you see what I mean? Do you get it now? Some of the things we’re doing might seem harmless but they affect us in the long run. The men today don’t feel a need to fight for a girl because there are way too many of us who are willing to give them our time & bodies for free. Those two things are very, very precious & so you shouldn’t be afraid to put a man on test to earn them. If he thinks it’s too much work to put in, let him go. He has clearly shown that he isn’t worth it because if he won’t work for you now, will he ever do so when times get rough in your relationship? I don’t think so. We’re so guilty of making excuses for them that we baby them too much! We make it way too easy for them only to suffer in the end. In reality, we’re worth the effort & the right man knows & appreciates this. I believe it’s time we change our mentalities that there are no good men out there. They exist. Believe me, they do. We have to work on ourselves, our beliefs & our confidence.

Because once you do, you will realize the Goddess you are & the powers you truly possess.

Sending you looove ❤

 

 

 

 

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In her shoes : My lesson on Compassion

compassionImage courtesy of Google

In the spirit of the Holy month of Ramadan, I decided to use these 30 days not only to fulfill my duties as a Muslim but also to discover some of the things that I needed to change. To do so, I had to be brutally honest with myself & reflect back on the situations that I felt brought out the worst in me.

Now I admit, I used to be bad tempered. Like, VERY bad tempered. Especially when certain things did not go my way. Call it Only Child Syndrome or whatever but I do erupt pretty easily. I can say my temper, sometimes, helped me to get what I wanted but other times, it just created never ending frustrations & high blood pressures with me & the person. When I would finally calm down after an incident, I never really liked the feelings of anger I’d still have and especially the guilt I’d feel. I always ended up wondering if I could have handled it better.

So I promised myself to work on that part of me. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, especially since it’s the one thing I’ve known since childhood. But I was definitely determined to try. Funny thing with the Universe though, if you make a promise to yourself, It can send you many tests to see how serious you really are.

This month, I got one.

There is a path I normally take when I want to visit some shops or a friend. I see an old, poor woman in rags siting near a mosque with a huge bag of I-don’t-know-what near her. The first time I saw her, my heart felt sad. She looked so fragile & tiny. I wondered where her family was. She saw me & asked for some change, which I did give her. She looked at the money then raised her head “Only this?!” I let out a nervous laugh & told her it was all I had at the moment. She actually spat near my shoes & screamed “USHINDWE!” A term used to rebuke Satan, loosely translating to “Be defeated!”.

Umm.…what just happened?!?

I thought it was a good thing to help someone in need. Why was I being treated this way? I felt my temper starting to rise but I chose to walk away instead. That’s what I’d decide to do if any one treated me with disrespect. I thought it ended there but oh noooo. It didn’t.

After a few days, I had to pass that same area again & again I saw her sitting there. I had calmed down after the first incident & tried to let it pass. I approached her with a smile & offered her some change, slightly more than before hoping she’d be happy.

Guess what she did?

Spat on the ground & screamed “USHINDWE!”

I had enough! I wanted to scream back, “You’re an ungrateful old hag!” But thought against it so I closed my eyes, counted to 5 & silently crossed to the other side of the road to get far away from her as possible. I was so glad I didn’t say what I really wanted to say, and I most certainly never, ever wanted to see her again!

Like I said, the Universe has a funny way of testing you. “What you resist, persists” is a lesson I learned well about it. Whenever I’d take a new route, she’d be right there. Whenever I’d decide to walk distances away, she’d scream obscenities at me. Words I just can’t type here. Among some of the things she’d like to say were:

“LOOK AT YOU! YOU THINK YOU’RE SOOOO PRETTY?! THERE ARE WOMEN PRETTIER THAN YOU!!”

“CHEAP! CHEAP! YOU LOOK EXPENSIVE BUT YOU’RE CHEAP!”

Everyday, something new. Everyday, I had to keep my cool & pretend I didn’t hear her. There was a time she even threw an egg at me but thankfully it didn’t get me at all. I did not understand what I had done to this old woman to be so disrespected. I kept thinking about it obsessively & was sure I had never offended her.

One day, I decided I wouldn’t care what she says or does. I wasn’t going to allow her to make me feel uncomfortable anymore. So I walked through the same path but this time I slowed down as I witnessed some high school kids teasing & laughing at her. She was screaming a lot at them & this made them provoke her even more. One even knocked down her bag before they all took off. She was still yelling after them as she picked it up & placed it properly next to her. There was something about that scene that changed my whole view about this woman.

Of course she is bitter & angry all the time. Of course she looks down on others. Of course she’s constantly negative. It’s because of how she gets ill-treated by others, and who knows how long this has been going on. Sometimes our society does not take too kindly to the homeless or the beggars. So it sometimes treats them like a burden or with a sort of disdain. This is an old woman, a very old & clearly very sick woman. She has nobody to take care of her. Maybe her kids abandoned her. Maybe she ran away from a tough life. I’ll never know her story. And though a lot of us know that these aren’t excuses to act so horribly towards others, maybe, just maybe, to her, it just simply made sense to. What if she’s being mean because she’s afraid of someone doing it to her first? It’s kind of like.. A defense mechanism…I guess I can call it that?

Watching that scene made me realize I was being selfish. This whole thing was not about me. She did not just direct her anger onto me, but it was towards others as well. I remembered the other women who’d pass her by would get the same kind of abuses as I did. It was not about me. I should have put myself in her shoes much earlier & think what is HER reason for being this way. She’s the one that has it hard. Sitting in the same place, day after day, not knowing when she will get her next meal from or even clean clothes. And then she has some people who treat her like she’s nothing but rubbish. Yes, she certainly has it hard. This wasn’t a time to feel anger & hatred. This was a time to feel more compassionate.

After that, whenever I do see her, I give her as much as I can. Yes she still spits, still calls me names, still screams it’s never enough but I smile knowing I’m able to forgive her & let her be who she’s comfortable in being. Hopefully someday, she’ll see the error of her ways. But for now, I ask God to bless her to have a much better life than she’s living. I thank her for being a tough lesson in learning how to let things go & be more forgiving.

We often think people should just KNOW when their behavior is inappropriate & we expect them to apologise for when they behave so. But we forget we’re all different. Which means even the way we think will be different. Sometimes it just doesn’t resonate with us when a person says or does something we don’t like. And hey, it’s ok! We’re not meant to be perfect! We have a choice to either express ourselves in a way that can make the other person understand where we are coming from. Or we can try to understand why they say or do things that make sense only to them. Step into their shoes & think the way they do. After all, it helps us to become more compassionate. Isn’t that what our hearts really want in order to be happy?

Happy Ramadan to all the Muslims!

Sending you Loooove ❤

 

Letter to my Ex Best Friend

i1Image courtesy of Google

Dear H,

I hope you are doing well in life & more than anything, I hope you have become a much better person than how I last left you. You were the most self conceited, victim playing, god damn awful human being I EVER came across. I don’t even know how we were best friends for over 10 years. 10 years of you constantly putting me down, brushing me aside & making me feel like nothing in your eyes. How on earth did I tolerate that?

Why on earth did I tolerate that?

I guess I held on to the fact that we had known each other since kindergarten. Always sitting next to each other in classes or picking each other in the games we’d play with others. We were known as besties who’d always do every single thing together. We were inseparable. Though I’d start to get slightly annoyed whenever you’d start to copy me. Especially when you came dressed exactly the same way I said I would on my birthday. White dress, white ribbons & white gloves. You knew very well that birthdays at school were special days where we’d be excused from wearing the dreaded school uniforms to wear whatever lovely clothes we wanted. It was MY birthday. My special day to look pretty. Yours was 5 months away! But you couldn’t wait. I didn’t understand it then as a kid but that was already a sign that you did not like being upstaged.

And you’d never give anyone that chance.

Dear H, you grew into such a beautiful young lady. As a teenager, boys quickly took notice of your slim physique & lovely locks.. You caught the attention of every person whenever you walked into the room. You were beautiful & you knew it. But to you, in your mind, being beautiful also gave you the right to be horrible to others. I watched you talk & smile with people but as soon as they turned their backs, you’d laugh & call them stupid or ugly. Those were your favorite words: Stupid & Ugly. Anyone who didn’t worship you fell into that category.

I grew up, pretty much the opposite of you. I was not a beautiful teen. I was overweight, had an awful dressing style & was terribly shy. Shy & awkward, especially around boys. I really admired your confidence. I guess a part of me was jealous of you, I admit that now because I really wanted to be just like you. Beautiful, out going & popular. But I never had the courage to tell you this so I just silently watched you bask in the spot light.

One day, you surprised me when you told me you wanted to hook me up with an interesting guy. You were so positive we’d surely like each other, that you asked me to come over so you could fix me up. You insisted I suck in my belly because in your words “guys hate girls with a big stomach as yours” & you further insisted I ALWAYS wear high heels cause my height is unacceptable by anyone. “Guys like tall girls. They’d be very embarrassed to walk with you!” You often liked saying that to me. I actually accepted your words as a fact because I’m ashamed to admit that even today, I still cannot go anywhere unless I appear a certain way. You made me feel ashamed of all the things I wasn’t . I question now, why couldn’t you be the best friend that showed me all the qualities that I did possess? Looks or otherwise.

i2Image courtesy of Google

Well, the time came to meet the guy, N, who came with his friend. N did not like me & even I wasn’t feeling him. After the introductions, we didn’t even bother talking to each other. I did not get why you would even think I’d be interested in him. His friend on the other hand, Super Cute Guy, kept trying to make conversation with me. I actually had a grand time with him. But for some reason, that was not acceptable to you. Things were not going according to YOUR plan. I saw you sitting with N & you were fuming. I did not understand why until we got into the taxi later. Do you remember that conversation we had?

I excitedly told you that Super Cute Guy wanted my number & I felt he liked me. Genuinely liked me. I was happy that someone could like me for me. But you couldn’t let me have that moment, could you? You just had to spoil my happiness. I remember your exact words like it was yesterday.

“Twalha!” You literally screeched. “ The guy does NOT like you! I know him! He’s a big player. You’re just an easy target to him. You were supposed to hook up with N!”

I explained, “H, I did not like N! I don’t even know why you thought I would! He isn’t my type, honestly. I..”

“TYPE?!” You let out a sarcastic laugh “You can’t have a type! Look, N suits you! He’s black…like you. Short…like you. Chubby…like you. Super Cute Guy is the complete opposite. He’s too handsome for you! I’m telling you, he just wants to play you. Don’t be so stupid!”

I turned away to look outside the window so you wouldn’t see the tears welling up. I don’t know why I did not stand up to you. Why I did not tell you that I’m more than my looks & that Super Cute Guy can really like me. But at the time, my mind just accepted your words as the truth. Infact, Super Cute Guy did get my number & called me a few days later, but I was rude & told him never to call me ever again. Only cause your damned words kept ringing in my ears. I only understood much later that it was your jealousy that did not want me to be with him. You were so used to getting the attention of all the boys that if even one liked me instead, it would bother you so much. You’d never understand it so you’d make sure to sabotage it.

H, there’s so much I regret not saying to you when I had the chance. You had a sort of power on me where I could not dare answer you. I was afraid of you casting me away like I’d seen you do to others. Looking back, maybe you should have. It would have certainly spared me more heartbreaks over the years.

You betrayed me. You spilled all my secrets to the world when I begged you not to. You told me to shut up when I cried instead of comforting me. You refused to come by to see me when I needed you, even though you had a car at the time & I didn’t. You told me to take a taxi & come see you instead. Which I did. I was a dutiful friend, after all. Silly, silly me. I was so afraid of disappointing you, I did not realise I was only destroying myself. I wonder if I really loved you or if I just had some sort of low self esteem issue that I felt could only be fixed by your approval. One thing for sure, you never really loved me. You loved how I made you feel.

I noticed you never liked having equally pretty friends around you. You chose to make me your “best friend” because I made you feel better about yourself. You’re  a model. I’m just Twalha. The short fat friend who always tagged along to make you laugh. Anyone else who is even remotely pretty, you’d not waste a second to criticize on how long their nose is or how deep their voice sounds. I wonder why I always saw confidence in you instead of the insecurity masked underneath.

But the Universe always has a way of showing you the things you really need to reflect in your life. It kept bringing new friends to me, ones who would always be true, kept me smiling & were always positive to me. I also grew to be a better person because I realized I carried some of your toxic traits of criticizing others or being a liar. I realized, I had to get rid of that. I did not want to become like you. You were no longer my inspiration or role model. Yes you’re beautiful. But you have nothing else going for you. Not within you either, not with that ugly personality. I thank the Universe for showing me what true friendships really means. I’m glad the people that came in, tolerated me & saw that I was actually a good person. I just needed to believe it.

Friendships are about uplifting each other up. Recognising a persons value & worth, mostly making sure they know it too. There is no jealousy, manipulation or stabbing at the back. There is no putting each other down or draining each others energies. True friendship is selfless, pure & kind. There is love in that. And you feel the love. You don’t ever feel the need to question it.

Wherever you are, Dear H, I do want you to understand that I still want the best for you. For your own sake, I do hope you will change for the better. I understand how you treated me came from a place of self-hatred & insecurity, and it really had nothing to do with me. It was all you. I do hope, you know the meaning of self-love. It is not wearing the latest clothes, having a vogue worthy cover face or being the next runway super model. It is not having men lusting for you or women envying you.

Self-love is knowing your value regardless of all of those things. It is also accepting of yourself of the flaws you have & still understand its what makes you human. You’re not meant to be perfect. And it’s alright. I really do hope you understand that. Someday.

I actually want to thank you. I started this letter off as a rant but I saw a different side of myself while typing. There is a reason why God placed you in my life, I’ve learned so much about respecting & standing up for myself. Never again would I ever allow someone to treat me the way you did all those years. It wasn’t easy to walk away from this toxic relationship, but it was so necessary for my well being. You did not understand when I explained how I felt. You just started off whining about how people never appreciated you, that you were only trying to “help” me.

You were never a really good listener, H.

But God bless you, for you did help me. Just not the way you think.

Signed,

Your happier without you Ex Best Friend

*************************************************************************************

Thanks for reading, guys! It took  me a while to accept that I once went through verbal abuse with this person. You know how it is when you don’t like being a victim, but I just couldn’t deny it any longer. I needed to write this as a way to also release the pain I once felt. I do hope this has helped someone in some way. Remember, you don’t have to accept such people in your life. Anyone who drains you or makes you feel like absolute crap; there is no excuse for them to stay. They need to leave. Now. Nothing is worth the pain they make you feel.

i4

Image courtesy of Google

 

#IfikieWazazi (#Let it reach the parents)

ifikie.jpgImage courtesy of Google

So there’s a new trend going on in Kenya where our youngsters have taken to the streets to expose themselves in explicit manner. Photos of young ladies who are stripped down to almost nothing, young guys groping these girls’ privates & even some sexual poses that could make you squirm on your seats.

Now being Kenyans, we’re hella mad at what our kids are doing. That’s only natural. After all, they are supposed to be our pride & joy. They’re supposed to be our shining future. So we’ve taken to social media to further expose & humiliate them so they can see the error of their ways & also in hopes of raising awareness to their parents. We’re doing the right thing cause we’re only protecting them, yes?

When you think about it, really think about it, will it end there?

What would happen if, say, all of their parents come to know? There will be yelling, screaming, cussin, breaking of plates, breaking of bones. There will be limitations to use of the internet, or even no internet at all. They may probably have their freedom limited, or not given to them anymore.

It does not end there. It will never just end there.

Sure, some of these kids will feel ashamed & will make a decision to turn into a new leaf. But one thing will always hold true. The big reason why these kids are admittedly doing such things.

Instant fame

Do ya’ll remember the time when those young college girls were caught making sex tapes with dogs? We blamed the foreigner who got them into it but aren’t a bunch of 18 & 19 year olds just mature enough to know right from wrong? What could they have possibly been offered to agree to this? We then blamed the parents for not watching over their kids & not being strict enough. I think no matter how much a parent can try to restrict, it’s all down to how their kids will behave when they aren’t around. We shouldn’t be blaming the parents, they can only teach them right from wrong & send them off into the world.

Our kids today are being inspired by the celebrities who make it seem so easy to become famous. Like how Paris Hilton & Kim Kardashian made sex tapes before they were well known? Actually, we don’t even have to look that far. Let’s look at the people in our own country. You know who I mean. Some of our very well known socialites.

Their social media pages are splashed with images of themselves living such grandiose life styles. They claim to have gotten their money from doing “work” that we are yet to witness, bring any real contribution to our country. It’s all speculation, really, because the fact is they get their money from their rich daddies or wealthy sponsors. So rich that they even alter their bodies to perfect what will bring them more fame. We’re also contributing to their fame by obsessively following them, buying into their lifestyles, worshipping them & their fake booties. We’re guilty of giving them exactly the publicity they need to do more & more.

You see, the more spotlight they have on them, the more they want to stay in it. If it dims just a little, they go ahead & do something extreme to get people’s attention so they can get that spotlight bright again. To them, any kind of publicity is good publicity. It becomes an obsession. They HAVE to be the most talked about. They HAVE to get more likes & followers. They HAVE to get in the breaking news. It becomes a sickness to be honest.

I’am not blaming the socialites alone. Infact, I wish they’d use the fame they have to do so much more. They know youngsters look up to them so why not make their time in the spotlight more meaningful? With all that money that they do have, why not contribute to the growth of our country? Build more charities. Get teens to be more aware of the problems we face. Educate them on how we can solve these problems. Help them become the next best shinning stars using their talents, not their bodies.

Parents too, it’s time for you to have honest conversations with your kids. Do not threaten them that you will beat them blue black if they do this or that. Understand that as your child grows, so does the peer pressure. Get to be more aware what’s happening around your kids & don’t say you do not have the time. How could you not?

It’s important for parents to remind kids that there’s more to life than becoming famous. It’s important to focus their time on their passions, whatever that may be. They need to express interest to what their kids love to do & help work with that.

The media can help too! Instead of focusing on people who haven’t really done anything to deserve fame why not show more inspirational people who worked hard to be successful, the ones right here in our country. We do not give them enough exposure that they deserve & they’d be the perfect role models to our kids because they have experienced the real Kenyan life. The media should also advertise more organisations that need helping hands to better the lives of others. I’m loving how there are a few shows like The Entrepreneur & Under 40 CEOs on our tv stations.

Now if only they could wipe off Nairobi Diaries! Because…well…COME ON!! What can a person possibly learn from such a show? Bitch slap a person? Have a venomous mouth?

Please bring back quality television shows!

And you, who is reading this. Even you can help. Next time you see a picture surface with that hashtag, try to reach out to those kids. Maybe for some of them, it’s not just about instant fame but a cry for help. So they do these things for attention, unfortunately it’s the wrong kind of attention that would attract the eyes of predators. Be the person who tells these kids that their future is at stake by doing things like this. Be the person who tells them that they can do much, much better than this to be noticed. Be the person who whispers words of hope & encouragement. Enough with the bashing. Enough with the shame. Enough with the hate.

They need us to extend our hands & show them the right path. They need to hear there’s a lot more to achieve in life than a million “likes”. They need to hear that we see them, we know they are amazing & we rely on them to be our bright shinning stars. They can do it. We can do it.

Sending you loooove ❤

 

The Trouble with us Coasterians

Mombasa-Kenya-City.jpgImage courtesy of Google

Last week I was at a job interview which wasn’t really as formal as the others I’ve attended. We brushed through the important questions but somehow started to talk about Mombasa & the people of the Island. The interviewer was a young guy, we were age mates I could say but he has achieved a lot in his life that I truly admired. We talked about why & how he started his company then he shared the disappointments he felt about the county.

I’d like to first say, this is not a post meant to bash the people of Mombasa. So don’t be eyeing daggers my way. Calm down. Alright?  Thank you.

I’m typing this out to highlight some of the problems that we do have. Sure, we have issues with infrastructure, security, political troubles but where does all this really come from? I believe it stems from one thing…

Mentality.

Here’s what I mean…

  • We do not support our children’s dreams

Truth is, there’s a lot of talent on the Island but we do not take the time to acknowledge & appreciate it. When our kids want to pursue arts or something of the like, we do not support them. We impose our opinions on them & tell them what WE think they SHOULD do. What would be, say, more acceptable to the society. Cause Heaven forbid the community getting to know about your child wanting to be an artist! We feed into our children’s minds that everyone admires a Doctor or an Engineer & anything else that does not bring pride into the family is just rubbish! Look, let your child discover what is right for them because even if he/she doesn’t right now. They will eventually do so later. And honestly, would you like your child to go to Business school & resent you along the way? A child needs their parents support, not the society, their parents! Do not tell them their dream is stupid or senseless or a waste of money. How else will they ever express themselves to you about anything? The least you can do is try to understand what they want & work around in supporting them.

  • Too much time spent on gossip

I remember a time I walked into a movie store to check out what series was available. While talking to the lady there, her friend approached me & showed me a video clip on her phone of a chick dancing half naked. She went on to say that the chick had done this for her boyfriend & he had spread the video all over. She proceeded to say the girl was definitely going to Hell for it. I was not shocked at the story, but more so at why on earth she was telling me this?! I mean, I’ve NEVER met this chick in my entire life! Why was she telling me this story at all?!

People here spend too much time minding everyone else’s business but their own. C’mon! You cannot sit there & deny this fact. You know this is true. We all know that group of women or men just sit every single day to talk about how other people live their lives. They sit for hours & hours on end when this time could be used to do something more productive. Really! The time that you are using to discuss about how Mama Fatuma sneaks in different men in the house could be used to actually help improve the community!

  • The “Someone else can do it” mentality

I’ve heard many people here complain that there is no progress happening. But how can it when ya’ll are depending on the politicians to do everything for you? I mean sure they promised this or that & I guess they are “supposed” to fulfill their duties but for God’s sakes, are you really going to spend your life waiting for that?? I’m not going to talk about politics as that’s not my favorite area to get into. But I know from the few years I’ve been here that depending on someone else to be our hero is not working for Mombasa. We need to be our own heroes. There is no other way. Change truly starts from us, from what we teach our kids & from what we inspire to others. If there are no jobs, then create jobs. Or start your own business! Whatever that may be! There’s nothing that’s “beneath” you. Remove that logic from your head. I know a young guy, barely in his 20s who makes nyama choma (fried meat), French fries & hot dogs every day, even on Sundays, just to earn enough to finish college. I really find him admirable & wish that more kids could be as hard working as him.

  • Superstitious nature

Now I know in our Holy Books, there is mention of things such as witchcraft & jinns (spirits). But it doesn’t mean you stop living because you’re scared of such things. We have it drilled in our heads that when something doesn’t go well in our lives, it must be because we’re bewitched. Why couldn’t it just be because God wants to test our faith in him? Wants to test how patient we are? Think about it. We entertain these fearful thoughts & that’s why they become our reality. How come you don’t hear of these things in the Western world? They seem to be living & progressing just fine. It’s only here in Africa that we don’t move forward because we’re so afraid of such things. Stop doing that to yourself. Unless you see things with your own eyes (and you’re absolutely sure you’re not on any medication that may make you hallucinate), do not assume it’s the unknown evil. And more than anything, have more faith in God because if you really did, these fearful thoughts wouldn’t be in your mind so much.

  • We’re afraid of what’s different

Have you noticed how everything just stays the same way in Mombasa? Whether it’s our roads, the fashions or even lifestyles, things just don’t change. When I lived abroad, I’d vacation to Mombasa after every 2 or 3 years & I’d question from a young age why everything was still the same.

We need to be more open to change. I mean, we whine about it, sing about it, rant about it but when it comes, we do not embrace it. We instead are the first to shun it because it’s not what the “Mombasa life” is all about. Many new businesses fail within a few years because people don’t support something that they are not used to. If only we could open our minds a little more, we’d be further than we know but instead, we get suspicious of everything new simply cause we believe it must be a scam. Or we even get worried about what others may think of us being a part of it. It’s time we stop living for others & embrace what we really want for ourselves. The change we’ve always been talking about.

There are many points that I could write about here but these were the ones I felt needed the most attention. As I said, it all comes down to one thing that needs to be done: Change our mentalities. I mean, it’s just about time. We’ve been doing the same things for many, many years & has that really brought results for our county? No. It hasn’t. And it won’t if we keep this up for another few years. Let’s change our mindsets. Let’s encourage one another. Let’s be more positive & uplift our fellow men & women to do more. Let’s recognize each other’s talents & move forward.

Mombasa, the time for change is needed now more than ever.

Who’s with me?

Sending you loooove ❤

 

 

 

No abuse is “better” than another

va11Image courtesy of Google

I received a call last evening from a friend of mine. She sounded distraught & almost shaken up. She told me she had a really huge fight with her husband, which resulted in her being pushed against the wall with her arm twisted behind her. When she told me the reason for the fight, it did not make sense to me that it would trigger such a violent response!

The man hung out with his friend every evening doing drugs until early hours of the morning. She had simply expressed her feelings about how much she & the kids missed him because of his absence. That’s when the violent scene took place. And it seems, this has been a habit of his for a long while now.

I had a long talk with her about all the things wrong with this but I could feel I wasn’t about to make her change her mind about him.

Her: You know, he’s just stressed because of his business. And also, it’s that friend’s fault for introducing him to the drugs

Me: He’s over 35 years old! He’s not a teenager to be “influenced” by anyone. And besides, being stressed is not an excuse to beat someone up!

Her: It was only this one time. I’m sure he did not mean to hit me. He will realize his mistake & apologise. He always does.

Me: Always? You mean he has hit you before??

Her: No. But girl, you know he has a temper. He screams at me when I don’t do something right. It’s my fault most times anyway.

Me: Well, why should he scream? He can just talk to you

Her: He calls me names. Bitch, Trash, Cheap. Whatever comes to mind that day…

Me: (after several seconds of complete silence) Sooo… that’s not a problem?

Her: No. He’s like that to his own parents too. I’ve seen how he yells at his father on several occasions, so I know that’s just who he is. His temper is a part of him, it will never change no matter what. I just have to accept it.

Me: Girl, why are you accepting that? He is verbally abusing you. Calling you all those names is not ok!

Her: (breaks into tears) It’s better than hitting me. I rather he throws words at me than punches.

My heart broke in two hearing those words. We spoke a little more where all I did was calm her & tell her to pray for clarity. It was clear no matter how much I tried to convince her that her husband’s act was totally wrong, she would never really listen. In her mind, she had it better than those who were beaten on a daily basis.

No body should fool themselves into thinking that verbal abuse is better than physical abuse. Infact, it can escalate to physical abuse because the woman has allowed it to go on with the way she keeps making excuses for him & for herself.

She ignores the red flags that rise up & wave rapidly in the air. She ignores the little rude remarks being made about her weight or hair. She ignores the way he hides his phones from her & snaps at her for being nosy. She ignores how he embarrass her in front of others & make her seem so small. She ignores how controlling he is & expects her to not have any say in small matters. She makes up excuses for him & says he is just being jealous & how she does find it endearing. It only means he cares so much for her, right?

But then it doesn’t get any better, it continues & only gets worse over time. He criticizes everything she tries to do. Suddenly every dish she cooks is badly done, maybe the way she folds his clothes is not to his liking or maybe she’s just 5 minutes late to come home from work so he accuses her of having an affair. Yeah…this is how life becomes over time.

So she accepts it. She says that’s just who he is & there’s nothing she can do about it. She stays in hopes that he will be a better man, that he will revert back to the charming man he was when they first met.

But what if this is him? What if he was only wearing a mask & now the mask has fallen off revealing who he truly is?

va1Image courtesy of Google

He continues to throw harsh words at her, even going as far as to call her all the derogatory names in the dictionary. And he has no shame because he even does it near the kids. They see everything & ask questions, “Mummy, why is Daddy always so angry?” She fakes a smile, covering it up by saying he just had a bad day at work & he will be alright. What she doesn’t realize is, their brains are working, processing everything they are seeing & in time they will start to accept whatever is happening is just normal. A loving relationship is what they see with Mummy & Daddy; so if Mummy & Daddy are doing it, it has to be love.

Think about it.

If you have a son, think about how he’s seeing things. It will be your fault for letting him believe that women should be spoken down to like they are nothing. If you have a daughter, it will be your fault for letting her believe to love a man is tolerance of bad behavior.

Is that what you want your kids to believe?

“Men” like this are actually the most Insecure Pricks. They seem so confident on the outside but underneath that is an angry child that throws tantrums when things don’t go their way. That child is so dependent on people to be around them & to love them always. Love them the way they feel they ought to be loved; through control & total submission to them. Truth be told, these “men” cannot stand any woman who even tries to live an independent lifestyle. They have a 1940’s mentality that women have to listen & do what they say as they are the head of the house. Such guys don’t feel the need to consider a woman’s opinion because she will always be lower than him. She is nothing without him & he likes it that way.

He throws harsh words at her because he knows at the back of his mind, he is shit! He knows very well that his woman deserves a man so much better than him & that thought scares him silly. It scares him that she may one day realize her worth & actually leave him. These “men” are so scared of being abandoned not because they love the woman, but for fear of not being able to find anybody else to tolerate & love their jerk asses.

So what does he do to fight that fear? Well he certainly doesn’t change & get better! He starts to pick at her “flaws” & insecurities just so she doesn’t dare think she is special. He tells her things like how no one could ever love her, that he only married her because he was settling, that she is terrible in the kitchen & the bedroom. He can even proceed to tell her how he could find someone so much better & leave her if she doesn’t act right.

Let me say that, such a guy will never be satisfied with anything you do for him. NOTHING will make him happy because he will always find something negative to pick out of it. It honestly becomes stressful living with him as you’ll constantly doubt yourself. If you have low self-esteem, you will accept the entire relationship/marriage as your reality even though it doesn’t have to be.

You know very well the difference between a loving man & one who isn’t. Why are you suddenly alright with being treated so poorly? Because you love him? No, that’s not love. That’s a need. A need for his approval because his approval means you are doing something right in the relationship. This goes back to my point about low self-esteem, when you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself, you have an unhealthy relationship with everyone around you. Deep down, you do know you deserve better than an Insecure Prick. Look at the panic in his eyes when you declare you’re leaving him. That isn’t panic because he loves you. That’s panic because who else will he unleash his pent up anger at once you’re gone?

He yells at you & then apologizes but that apology has no meaning when he does it again & again & again…And through that, you see he isn’t even trying to make an effort to change. Not for himself. Not for you. Infact, this “man” will never ever acknowledge his own issues because everyone else is the problem, never him. Or he may even feel you have to try & understand his anger issues. But…why can’t he try to understand you? Aren’t you worth fighting for & changing for the better?

I understand. Believe me I do. I was once almost in a relationship with a man that would belittle me at every chance he got. This was before we’d even make it official! He had shown me what the future would be like if we got together. I noticed the red flag, I did not forget it. I kept it in mind & saw the pathetic little child in him just being more & more terrible to me. I wasn’t going to have any of it. I refuse to be talked down to like I was dumb. And I refused to be seen as less than the Queen I really am.

va2Image courtesy of Google

We’re all Queens. Each & every one of us. Regardless of our status in life or where we come from. The right man knows this & will never be afraid to treat us as such. Such guys do exist if only you believe it. You have to let go of what doesn’t make you happy & not hold on to someone just because you invested so much time into the relationship or because you have kids with. You’re worth a lot & there are many men who would be more than happy to prove that to you. If only, you believe that yourself.

He will never truly love you because you don’t truly love yourself. If my post does not make you change your mind about leaving his ass. Then atleast remember these words:  Love yourself truly & completely.

You owe it to yourself.

Sending you looooove ❤

 

 

 

 

Mombasa Urban Legend : The Night Belongs to Them

608e7ffa37da87f343a9fafb7c425718--halloween-zombie-halloween-costumesImage courtesy of Google

There’s a place called Light house here in Mombasa. For those of you who have never been to the Coast; Light House is a nice place to relax as you watch the sea, enjoy the breeze & spend time with your friends or families. You get to eat fresh cassava crisps & delicious ice creams that are available in every corner. There’s even a restaurant & a play area for kids so it does get pretty crowded, especially on a Sunday. But it is known to be quite dangerous after the sun sets…

lighthouse1Lighthouse Mombasa (Image courtesy of Google)
lighthouse2Lighthouse Mombasa (Image courtesy of Google)

So anyways, there is this guy called Ali. Ali was taking a walk around the Light house area. He never heeded the warnings about how unsafe it was in the evenings because that’s where bad gangs & robbers mostly lurked for unsuspecting victims. But Ali wasn’t scared at all. He’s dealt with all kinds of people in his life, so what’s a few robbers? They wouldn’t do anything to him as long as he cooperates. He believed that if his time came to die, nothing would stop it, so why stop living?

Along the way, he came across a woman in abaya (a black attire covering a woman from neck down worn with a matching hijab). She was sitting on a boulder facing the sea. From her profile, he could tell she was quite the looker. He had to move closer to confirm that.

“Excuse me, Miss?” Ali started

The woman turned to face him & Ali was stunned. She was extremely beautiful! Almond shapped eyes, full pink lips & skin that looked like she bathed in milk every day. She had hijab on that slipped slightly to reveal her beautiful wavy hair.

“Yes?”

God, she was so beautiful!!

Ali composed himself after realizing seconds have passed. “Um..I saw you were sitting here all by yourself. Are you alright?”

The beautiful woman smiled, “I’m alright. Come. Keep me company.”

Ali smiled, he appreciated the friendly gesture “What is your name, Miss?”

“Aaliyah” She replied then looked out at the sea for a few seconds before she turned her attention back to Ali. She looked at him with a twinkle in her eye & smiled a little “Would you like to take a walk?”

Ali was surprised. He had never met a woman who was this nice. Most of the women he’d met around were standoff-ish. None giving him the time, saying he was too obnoxious. Something that he didn’t agree with at all. He accepted to walk with this sweet beauty.

They took a walk, enjoying the evening breeze & each other’s presence. Though Aaliyah did not say much, he liked being around her. But Ali also knew from her one word answers he’d eventually get bored so he wanted to keep trying with her to see if he could get her in bed later. It was as if she read his mind, when she said to him..

“Take me to your house”

Ali looked at her for a long minute. Was she serious?! Looking into her eyes, he could see she wasn’t laughing. She was as serious as a heart attack! But no, it couldn’t be this simple. What was she really up to?

“Alright, Aaliyah. What’s your game?” Ali asked.

Aaliyah looked at him confused. “There is no game. I just want you to take me home. Right now.” She leaned closer to him. “I just want to make you happy. Won’t you allow me to make you happy?”

Ali definitely wanted to be happy! He hadn’t been happy for many weeks now & to a man, that’s pretty bad. He felt silly for questioning his luck. Why waste an opportunity when it is literally throwing itself on him??

He took her hand, led her to an isolated spot away from possible spying eyes & close enough to the sea where no one could hear them.

Aaliyah looked at him seductively “I’m going to make you very happy, Ali.” Her hijab slid off her as she moved closer.

Ali was feeling excited being so close to this beauty & that he was about to have her when suddenly he realized..

“Wait…how did you know my name? I never told you..I..” Ali saw her abaya slid off her body & what a body! His eyes travelled appreciatively from her nice breasts, to her slim waist until..

ARRGGHH!!!!

Ali’s screams pierced through the evening sky as he couldn’t pry his eyes away from her feet. They were horses hooves instead of actual feet!

He looked up  at her & saw her eyes had turned pitch black. She smiled as she took a step closer. “What’s wrong, Ali? Do you not find me beautiful anymore?”

Ali pushed her away & ran with all the strength his legs had. He could hear galloping of a horse’s hooves behind him coming closer & closer. He started to recite every verse from the Quran & all Duas of protection he knew as he ran. Tears streamed down his face as he heard his name being called.

“Aliii. Aliii. Come back. Don’t go, Aliii. I want to make you happy…”

He heard laughter ring in his ears. He did not look back. He never believed in jinns or spirits but he knew the one rule was never to look back. He’d be damned if he took that risk!

Ali got home, locked his door & did not come out for several weeks.

Ali is still alive but he is not alright. He is a mess! People always see Ali roaming the streets in ragged clothes muttering nonsensical things. He tells the story to every passer by & warns people not to go to Light house at night. And if we happen to be there & ever hear someone call out to us, we should never, ever look back.

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My opinion on this legend : I’ve been told this story so many times by different people. It makes me laugh! Especially about the feet! But honestly, if we ever saw something like that, we’d probably pee on ourselves!! Of course this story is told differently & surely exaggerated in some parts but the main points that never change are the same. There was an Ali. And there was something else that night…

Sending you loooove ❤