Coffee time - Life lessons

He stole my voice


Image courtesy of Google


Thank you. You prick.

I have wanted to say this to you for the longest time but I never got the chance to. I guess it was a good thing cause talking to you would have brought out the absolute worst in me. I guess it was a good thing you walked away & did not look back at the destruction you left behind with no care in the world.

You had destroyed me. The confidence that I was building, the joy I was feeling & wanted to spread to the world, the hope for new love…completely gone when I met you. You were so charming at first, you made me believe you were this sweet, considerate, nice guy that was just looking for love & hadn’t found it yet. You complained to me about the chicks from your country, calling them shallow & not knowing a good thing when they see it. At first I asked myself why they couldn’t see what a great guy you were, to me you were handsome, charming, a guy who took care of his Mom, an absolute animal lover & were super funny. God! Me & funny guys. They are my biggest weakness! Make me laugh, you make my heart swoon. Exactly what you did to me, B.

I wanted to prove that there was that one girl who could love you for you. The kind of love you’ve always been wanting but say you weren’t meant for it. I should have taken that as a sign, you saying that you were not meant for it just showed me you were not confident in yourself. And a guy who is not confident in himself,  can never be confident in relationships. Far often, he will  always be depending on someone else to make him feel good about himself & will it ever be enough? No.

I’ve always been the kind of girl who wants to show a man how great he is, build his self esteem, restore his beliefs in love. More often then  not, this backfires on me because once he has even a spark of confidence, he shows me his true colors. And while I can leave as soon as I saw something that didn’t agree with me, I don’t know why on earth did I stay with you when you showed me first hand what kind of a person you were.

I don’t think you ever truly liked me, B. I don’t think you appreciated me for being there to listen to your rants every day about your Mom, your work, the people. I supported you when you were right but I’d hesitate to say anything against you when you were wrong. Do you remember the day you told me about a promotion you really wanted at work? I told you if you just sat there & say you want it, nothing would happen. You have to speak about it cause if you do not ask, the answer will always be No. I told you, you deserved that promotion for the work you did for many years & really wanted to see you grow.

I did not expect you to lash out at me.  You started to yell at me about how I didn’t know what I was talking about. You pointed out that I was just a receptionist at the time & what the hell did I even know about hard work. You went on & on, jabbing & poking at all of my “flaws” while I sat there shocked. What on earth was happening, B?! I questioned if I delivered my message in a condescending manner that offended you. Deep down I know I did not but I blamed  & convinced myself I must have done so else you wouldn’t have reacted that way. I apologized to you & did not try to explain myself because the way you seemed, you did not want to listen.

The next day, you talked to me but did not offer any apology for the night before. You sent me funny memes & started to talk about things that made me laugh. You were so charming to me that I forgot all about the previous night & brushed it aside as just a misunderstanding. But it did not end there.

You started to lash out at me at random times. I never understood what made you so angry so often. I couldn’t even crack a joke without thinking 4 times about it, you were like a ticking bomb ready to go off any minute. If I said the wrong thing, you would find something to insult about me & make me feel like shit. There was no calming you because that just made it worse. Anything I’d say or do made you behave in a way I just could never understand. And I never will.


Image courtesy of Google

I really don’t know why you have so much aggression inside you. I’ve tried to talk to you. God, I’ve tried to talk to you, but you do not listen when you go off on your tirades. You had no idea how every sentence you said ripped at a piece of my heart but I still forgave you the next day when you’d send me your memes or said something sweet, for that one moment. Because it was in those rare moments, I fall in love all over again with the man I was shown, hoping he would be the one to stay. Not the other malicious one.

But that’s not love, is it? Love is when you accept someone exactly for who they are, their good & bad. I didn’t know it at that time. All I saw is a man who needed love & understanding. Someone who needed compassion because he’s been through so much. But I wish I had spoken to someone about it, someone who would shake me & say “But what about you, Twali?! Don’t you think you deserve love & understanding too?!” But I guess I didn’t believe that. If I did, I wouldn’t have stayed in that mess, right?

The same thing continued for many months. We’d talk, you’d find something to scream about, throw abuses at me & go to bed like nothing happened. While I sat for nights crying & blaming myself for not being patient or understanding enough.  Blaming myself was just so much easier than accepting the fact that you did not actually care for me. I did not see what was really happening here, B. You were using me as your emotional punching bag because I know you could never act out like this to the other people in your life. As I said earlier, you were charming & sweet to everyone. Everyone but me. You took advantage of the fact that I’d always be there for you to lash out at because you had to portray this image of Mr. Nice Guy to others.  Why had I accepted this way of life? What was wrong with me? I remember once trying to tell you that I cared deeply for you & I wanted to make this work. I won’t forget how you laughed sarcastically & called me stupid, you said I was living in a fantasy world. It was fine if you did not feel the same, B. You didn’t owe me that, you didn’t owe me anything. But did you have to crush my soul that way? Was it really necessary that you embarrassed me that way? I never could understand why I never spoke up. Why I chose to remain silent. How did you do that, B? How did you steal my voice?


Image courtesy of Google

One final day, we had the usual routine of your screaming fits but this time, something changed inside me. As you screamed, I watched you. I took a really good look at you & realized you were just a little boy  throwing tantrums. Yes you needed love, attention & compassion but no, this wasn’t to be given by me or anyone else. This was to be given to yourself. I realized you did not care for yourself, you couldn’t have possibly loved yourself if your way of life was about attacking the people who were closest to you. If that made you feel good, then I’m sorry to say but you really need to get help. I do hope you see this behaviour will never help you succeed, especially in relationships. I mean, I still think you’re a prick to this day because I hated myself for even staying as long as I did trying with you. But you’re one prick that I will choose to thank instead of hate.

So thank you, B. Thank you so much for this experience because I got to understand that breaking out of an abusive relationship is not as easy as it seems. You didn’t physically injure me but the emotional abuse was enough to destroy me. I had lost my confidence, sense of pride & dignity. I lost my way but only for one moment. Only one. Thankfully, I found my way back because I know I love myself enough to walk away from something that is clearly not worth it. I thank you for the lessons learned, especially the hard one where No one, absolutely no one can change a person unless they truly want to change themselves. Thank you for the lesson I needed in standing up for myself & speaking out. You stole my voice but I got it back.

As I heal from this completely, I wish you well, B. I wish you a life of love, light & compassion. Once upon a time, I cared for you but that time is up now. Hopefully, you’ve learned something valuable from me as I have from you.

Goodbye B




Thank you guys for reading my post. It was a hard one to write because for the longest time I did not want to admit I was in an abusive relationship years ago. I decided to do so after I re-read a post of mine about abusive relationships, I figured it was time I told my story. Verbal abuse is just as bad as Physical because it can destroy a person if they don’t break free from it. If anyone needs to talk, please do not hesitate to come to me. I will be here. I promise.

Coffee time - My Thoughts

Society, leave us women in peace!

wrImage courtesy of Google

I have a dream. My dream is one where we live in a world that we question about something we don’t understand, instead of brushing it off as ludicrous. Where men & women are past expectations of what each sex should or must do. A world where we are willing to learn why we each have our own view points about life, where we accept what works for you is not necessarily what works for me. Understand & respect it. A Non Judgmental World.

Unfortunately, that will never happen. So Alas, it only remains a dream. Right?

I watched a video clip on Facebook about a woman in her early thirties who spoke about her reasons for not wanting marriage or children. She said that kind of life was never really for her & she always felt that way since she was a kid. She wasn’t changing her mind anytime soon about this decision. I liked how real she was & the fact that she spoke about it on live television, especially here in Kenya, showed that she was really brave. I was curious to see what viewers thought about it so I checked the comments section.

I wish I didn’t.

The comments section was bombarded with so much negativity that it made me mad! People called her a mental case, a homosexual or an attention seeker. Others posted sympathetic things about how she will eventually regret it as she gets older. Many of the comments came from men who were so angry that I almost wondered what their anger was really about. Is it because they have grown up in a society where women were only seen as reproductive machines? Get married & bring babies? Do the house work? Look pretty for them?

Is that all women are reduced to in Society’s eyes?

How come it is acceptable for Nuns & Pastors to make that decision but not an ordinary citizen? Why was there so much hate thrown at this young woman for her decision of not having kids & living her life single & free? I mean, what is wrong with being single in the first place? At least she’s being real about what she wants & doesn’t want. How many people have we seen get married & end up treating their spouse badly or bringing kids into this world only to toss them in the nearest dump site? How many of us can be real with ourselves & stick to our beliefs regardless of the inevitable pile of mud thrown our way?

I’ll admit. Once a upon a time, I felt pressured by society to get married because they like to throw the reminder of my “biological clock” ticking away to low battery. And I also admit, I almost made a grave mistake of marrying someone just for that reason. Thank God my heart just refused to make that final move & things ended. I promised myself right then & there never to let society dictate how I live my life. After all, if I faced any trouble in my marriage, who would help me? People are there to celebrate your wedding but no one is there to help you save your marriage. That’s a world you are in all alone. You & your spouse. Till death do you apart.

I’m not saying I don’t ever want to be married. I’ve just accepted that if it’s not meant for me, I will still survive. We all will. I do believe in my heart that sometimes you are not meant to live in a certain way because God has bigger & better plans for you. So Society, do me a favour, will ya?

STOP telling that woman in her mid thirties that she shouldn’t be so picky & should just settle as “it is time”. NO! She does not have to settle for just anybody because if shit goes down, will you be there to help her clean the mess? Yeah..didn’t think so…

STOP giving those sad pitiful looks whenever you see her pass by. Whispering among yourself “She’s single all this time?! May she find the right man to make her happy”. I know you mean well but what makes you think she isn’t already happy where she is? Why should it take a man to complete her? Being in a relationship will never complete you unless you feel complete on your own.

STOP throwing shade at single mothers telling them they need a man to help raise their kid/s. A single mother knows better than to depend on anyone to take care of her own child cause she’s been doing it the entire time. A loving & caring man is simply a bonus & she will surely recognize him when he comes around. That’s only if she wants him to.

STOP hating on that woman who chooses a life of travel, fun & sex. It is her life. I repeat, HER LIFE. It’s not ok that men get to choose this lifestyle & nobody blinks but when a woman says she’s living life happily with said lifestyle, people give her the side eye & say she must be in denial. Er…nope!

STOP telling her to not be ambitious. That climbing the career ladder will intimidate men. First of all, men who are intimidated by ambitious women have their own low self esteem issues. Why don’t you focus on that little problem, hmm?

Back to the young lady. I also remember seeing comments from women who were shocked by this young woman’s audacity to come on live television & say she doesn’t want what they have. The comments were equally as nasty as the men & once again I questioned where all this anger was coming from. In this day & time, are we still fighting for our rights as women? Must we justify our reasons for wanting things that are “out of the norm”? Are these negative commenting women so brain washed to thinking this is the only life for women that they do not see they actually have a choice? That there’s just so much more to life than what people impose on them?

But I should understand. After all, I did start this post about my dream of a Non Judgmental world & if I want to see that, even a little, I need to play my part. So Society, I understand you. You grew up seeing things as a certain way of life. Anything that disrupts that is shocking to you & unheard of. You’d quickly dismiss the person as a black sheep, mentally insane or just a lost cause.  I can’t blame your way of thinking, I understand it. I understand you. I just wish you’d take the time to understand me. To understand us. The weirdos, the misfits, the outcasts & whatever other name you’d want to call us.

MINDImage courtesy of Google

Cause think about it. When you strip off the labels you’ve branded us & really see us for US. You’d learn that there is so much more wonder out there then what you’ve only limited yourself to see.

Sending you loooove ❤







Coffee time - Random goodness

Camp guys are not husband material!

This is the first time I’m reblogging a post & its a pleasure to be doing so for my beautiful blogger friend, Peace. I read this story & couldn’t help bursting out laughing so hard I almost had an asthma attack. Read on to see what I mean & enjoy yourself! 😅

Clique Talk

Few nights after our swearing in, I heard someone say she overheard another person say the son of some state governor was also camping with us in Plateau. I smiled and thanked God for the gift of ears that could hear and went to bed. I had to refrain myself from imagining anything. I didn’t trust my imaginations anymore, not after that plane incident. When my subconscious wants to do like it wants to travel to Dubai to buy ring, I would caution myself with ‘peace! peace! how many times did I call you,dont waste money yet’. Even though I didn’t want wild imaginations, I had toclench to possibilities. The next morning as at 3a.m, the resounding bugle had woken us to get ready for the usual morning drill. That was one of the few days I made up my mind to go for morning parade. I…

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Coffee time - Life lessons

The Love List


Image courtesy of Google

A few years ago, I watched a short clip of Oprah Winfrey’s show about how a group of women manifested their soulmate into their lives. They were all successful in their & were content but also felt they were ready for that special someone to brighten their lives.

So they created The Love List

What is a Love List?

Well it’s one where you write down all the qualities you wish your soulmate to possess.

But hold on! It’s not as simple as that.

After watching the show & researching some more on the Love List, I came across many stories of how women(and men) claimed this to have worked for them & are now living happily with their soulmates. At the time, I was single, doing really well with my career & was content with my friends & family. But of course, just like the women in the show, I also felt I was ready to meet that special someone. I had tried almost everything so why not do something different for once. It wouldn’t hurt to try.

The first time I created my Love List, I didn’t really do it right. You see, if I ask you right now to describe your perfect soul mate, you’d probably  answer this way:

“He should be handsome”

“He should be rich”

“He shouldn’t be a cheat”

“He shouldn’t be afraid of commitment”

Right? I know you would because I once did. I thought that was really it! I ended up meeting the wrong kind of men anyway. Either they’d have some of those qualities but I couldn’t stand most of their other ones or I just didn’t feel a connection to them. It never felt right at all!

So I tried creating my list again & this time I dug deep into what I truly wanted in a partner. It took some time but I finally met my Soulmate, and I wouldn’t have him any other way.

I learned that A Love List should list more than the outer factors of your person. Sure, you can write you want him to be handsome, filthy rich & loyal. It is your list after all. But you have to look beyond that. I’m going to give you a step by step explanation on how you can create the perfect Love List & meet your man (or woman!) So grab that pen & paper & get ready!

  • Think about your past relationships

Don’t think about the negatives! Even if it ended badly, think about what attracted you to that person enough to have a relationship with him. Was he generous? Write “He has to be generous at heart” Was he romantic? Write “To be romantic & make me smile” Was he a good listener? Write “To be supportive of my dreams & aspirations”.

We dig deep about the people in your past because we want to see the common traits/patterns that attracts you to others. Once you discover that, it gets easier.

  • Write down what attracts you about him

Describe him in great details but I do not mean how he should rock an awesome afro, be chocolate skinned or have a dazzling smile. That is tapping into the shallow side of things, which believe me, does not work in the long run.


Because that’s what you’ll start to look out for while you’re missing out on potentials out there. When I said in great details, I mean something like “I want him to attract me with his intelligence & game of wits” which is exactly what I wrote about my partner. Sure, he’s a handsome guy but his brain is what really got me hooked to him. We can carry on a great conversation for hours on end & I feel more & more for him each day. This is exactly what you want too! No point being with a model but the only conversation you can have is how great he looks posing for the new Calvin Klein ads. Think beyond looks.

  • Do not write about what you DON’T want

When you do the first step on looking back at your past relationships, you will see all the reasons why it did not work out. And while that does tell you what you don’t want in your next relationship, don’t dwell on those points. With your soulmate, you focus on what you do want. Of course he will not be perfect, perfection does not exist & you know this. But he will be compatible for you. And that, right there, is the key word you need to focus on! Write about how you’d want him to be patient & understanding to you. Write how you’d want him to handle a conflict. Write that, overall, he should be compatible to you because you’re both willing to understand & make things work no matter what.

  • Manifest your Soulmate

This means, thinking about your man actually being here with you. You can picture yourselves walking on the beach holding his hand. Or even picture him calling you at night & listening to his voice tell you sweet nothings. How does that make you feel? Happy, right? Hold on to that feeling because that’s how manifestation works. You bring to you what makes you feel happy at that moment. Write it all down how you feel great doing the things you always wanted to do together.

I once read about how a woman even created space in her wardrobe so her dream man may keep his clothes when he does appear in reality. Or even when she slept on one side of the bed as she pictured him on the other side. I know, I know. It sounds crazy! But you know what, you are showing the Universe that you are indeed ready for him. The Universe does not discriminate. It listens!

  • And finally…Tear up the list


Yup. I said it. Tear up the list.

Do you know why I say this? It’s because we humans are naturally impatient & prone to change our minds easily. You have already written how you want your soul mate to be & even perfected on manifesting him. But you may decide to revisit that list & change things in it, making an already perfect list to be a more complicated one. Don’t do that to yourself. Once the list is created & you are absolutely sure you have written down all the good points about your compatible soulmate, you don’t need to double check on anything. Trust that the Universe will give you what you want. If you keep changing things, it only delays the process. Your perfect man is right there waiting for you. Don’t entertain doubts. Trust that you’ll be given what is the best for you.


So there you have it, ladies & gents! How to create the perfect Love List! A word of caution though, this list will NOT work if you feel you want to have someone just because you are bored & lonely. You have to be completely happy & settled in your life now to attract the man that truly loves you for you & is ready for you. You do not want someone who is either settling for you or is lonely. Remember, what you attract is what you already are.

I really hope this has helped someone out there & if you have met your soulmate through this, do let me know! I’m a sucker for love stories! 😀

Sending you loooove ❤



Coffee time - Life lessons

In her shoes : My lesson on Compassion

compassionImage courtesy of Google

In the spirit of the Holy month of Ramadan, I decided to use these 30 days not only to fulfill my duties as a Muslim but also to discover some of the things that I needed to change. To do so, I had to be brutally honest with myself & reflect back on the situations that I felt brought out the worst in me.

Now I admit, I used to be bad tempered. Like, VERY bad tempered. Especially when certain things did not go my way. Call it Only Child Syndrome or whatever but I do erupt pretty easily. I can say my temper, sometimes, helped me to get what I wanted but other times, it just created never ending frustrations & high blood pressures with me & the person. When I would finally calm down after an incident, I never really liked the feelings of anger I’d still have and especially the guilt I’d feel. I always ended up wondering if I could have handled it better.

So I promised myself to work on that part of me. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, especially since it’s the one thing I’ve known since childhood. But I was definitely determined to try. Funny thing with the Universe though, if you make a promise to yourself, It can send you many tests to see how serious you really are.

This month, I got one.

There is a path I normally take when I want to visit some shops or a friend. I see an old, poor woman in rags siting near a mosque with a huge bag of I-don’t-know-what near her. The first time I saw her, my heart felt sad. She looked so fragile & tiny. I wondered where her family was. She saw me & asked for some change, which I did give her. She looked at the money then raised her head “Only this?!” I let out a nervous laugh & told her it was all I had at the moment. She actually spat near my shoes & screamed “USHINDWE!” A term used to rebuke Satan, loosely translating to “Be defeated!”.

Umm.…what just happened?!?

I thought it was a good thing to help someone in need. Why was I being treated this way? I felt my temper starting to rise but I chose to walk away instead. That’s what I’d decide to do if any one treated me with disrespect. I thought it ended there but oh noooo. It didn’t.

After a few days, I had to pass that same area again & again I saw her sitting there. I had calmed down after the first incident & tried to let it pass. I approached her with a smile & offered her some change, slightly more than before hoping she’d be happy.

Guess what she did?

Spat on the ground & screamed “USHINDWE!”

I had enough! I wanted to scream back, “You’re an ungrateful old hag!” But thought against it so I closed my eyes, counted to 5 & silently crossed to the other side of the road to get far away from her as possible. I was so glad I didn’t say what I really wanted to say, and I most certainly never, ever wanted to see her again!

Like I said, the Universe has a funny way of testing you. “What you resist, persists” is a lesson I learned well about it. Whenever I’d take a new route, she’d be right there. Whenever I’d decide to walk distances away, she’d scream obscenities at me. Words I just can’t type here. Among some of the things she’d like to say were:



Everyday, something new. Everyday, I had to keep my cool & pretend I didn’t hear her. There was a time she even threw an egg at me but thankfully it didn’t get me at all. I did not understand what I had done to this old woman to be so disrespected. I kept thinking about it obsessively & was sure I had never offended her.

One day, I decided I wouldn’t care what she says or does. I wasn’t going to allow her to make me feel uncomfortable anymore. So I walked through the same path but this time I slowed down as I witnessed some high school kids teasing & laughing at her. She was screaming a lot at them & this made them provoke her even more. One even knocked down her bag before they all took off. She was still yelling after them as she picked it up & placed it properly next to her. There was something about that scene that changed my whole view about this woman.

Of course she is bitter & angry all the time. Of course she looks down on others. Of course she’s constantly negative. It’s because of how she gets ill-treated by others, and who knows how long this has been going on. Sometimes our society does not take too kindly to the homeless or the beggars. So it sometimes treats them like a burden or with a sort of disdain. This is an old woman, a very old & clearly very sick woman. She has nobody to take care of her. Maybe her kids abandoned her. Maybe she ran away from a tough life. I’ll never know her story. And though a lot of us know that these aren’t excuses to act so horribly towards others, maybe, just maybe, to her, it just simply made sense to. What if she’s being mean because she’s afraid of someone doing it to her first? It’s kind of like.. A defense mechanism…I guess I can call it that?

Watching that scene made me realize I was being selfish. This whole thing was not about me. She did not just direct her anger onto me, but it was towards others as well. I remembered the other women who’d pass her by would get the same kind of abuses as I did. It was not about me. I should have put myself in her shoes much earlier & think what is HER reason for being this way. She’s the one that has it hard. Sitting in the same place, day after day, not knowing when she will get her next meal from or even clean clothes. And then she has some people who treat her like she’s nothing but rubbish. Yes, she certainly has it hard. This wasn’t a time to feel anger & hatred. This was a time to feel more compassionate.

After that, whenever I do see her, I give her as much as I can. Yes she still spits, still calls me names, still screams it’s never enough but I smile knowing I’m able to forgive her & let her be who she’s comfortable in being. Hopefully someday, she’ll see the error of her ways. But for now, I ask God to bless her to have a much better life than she’s living. I thank her for being a tough lesson in learning how to let things go & be more forgiving.

We often think people should just KNOW when their behavior is inappropriate & we expect them to apologise for when they behave so. But we forget we’re all different. Which means even the way we think will be different. Sometimes it just doesn’t resonate with us when a person says or does something we don’t like. And hey, it’s ok! We’re not meant to be perfect! We have a choice to either express ourselves in a way that can make the other person understand where we are coming from. Or we can try to understand why they say or do things that make sense only to them. Step into their shoes & think the way they do. After all, it helps us to become more compassionate. Isn’t that what our hearts really want in order to be happy?

Happy Ramadan to all the Muslims!

Sending you Loooove ❤


Coffee time - Life lessons

Letter to my Ex Best Friend

i1Image courtesy of Google

Dear H,

I hope you are doing well in life & more than anything, I hope you have become a much better person than how I last left you. You were the most self conceited, victim playing, god damn awful human being I EVER came across. I don’t even know how we were best friends for over 10 years. 10 years of you constantly putting me down, brushing me aside & making me feel like nothing in your eyes. How on earth did I tolerate that?

Why on earth did I tolerate that?

I guess I held on to the fact that we had known each other since kindergarten. Always sitting next to each other in classes or picking each other in the games we’d play with others. We were known as besties who’d always do every single thing together. We were inseparable. Though I’d start to get slightly annoyed whenever you’d start to copy me. Especially when you came dressed exactly the same way I said I would on my birthday. White dress, white ribbons & white gloves. You knew very well that birthdays at school were special days where we’d be excused from wearing the dreaded school uniforms to wear whatever lovely clothes we wanted. It was MY birthday. My special day to look pretty. Yours was 5 months away! But you couldn’t wait. I didn’t understand it then as a kid but that was already a sign that you did not like being upstaged.

And you’d never give anyone that chance.

Dear H, you grew into such a beautiful young lady. As a teenager, boys quickly took notice of your slim physique & lovely locks.. You caught the attention of every person whenever you walked into the room. You were beautiful & you knew it. But to you, in your mind, being beautiful also gave you the right to be horrible to others. I watched you talk & smile with people but as soon as they turned their backs, you’d laugh & call them stupid or ugly. Those were your favorite words: Stupid & Ugly. Anyone who didn’t worship you fell into that category.

I grew up, pretty much the opposite of you. I was not a beautiful teen. I was overweight, had an awful dressing style & was terribly shy. Shy & awkward, especially around boys. I really admired your confidence. I guess a part of me was jealous of you, I admit that now because I really wanted to be just like you. Beautiful, out going & popular. But I never had the courage to tell you this so I just silently watched you bask in the spot light.

One day, you surprised me when you told me you wanted to hook me up with an interesting guy. You were so positive we’d surely like each other, that you asked me to come over so you could fix me up. You insisted I suck in my belly because in your words “guys hate girls with a big stomach as yours” & you further insisted I ALWAYS wear high heels cause my height is unacceptable by anyone. “Guys like tall girls. They’d be very embarrassed to walk with you!” You often liked saying that to me. I actually accepted your words as a fact because I’m ashamed to admit that even today, I still cannot go anywhere unless I appear a certain way. You made me feel ashamed of all the things I wasn’t . I question now, why couldn’t you be the best friend that showed me all the qualities that I did possess? Looks or otherwise.

i2Image courtesy of Google

Well, the time came to meet the guy, N, who came with his friend. N did not like me & even I wasn’t feeling him. After the introductions, we didn’t even bother talking to each other. I did not get why you would even think I’d be interested in him. His friend on the other hand, Super Cute Guy, kept trying to make conversation with me. I actually had a grand time with him. But for some reason, that was not acceptable to you. Things were not going according to YOUR plan. I saw you sitting with N & you were fuming. I did not understand why until we got into the taxi later. Do you remember that conversation we had?

I excitedly told you that Super Cute Guy wanted my number & I felt he liked me. Genuinely liked me. I was happy that someone could like me for me. But you couldn’t let me have that moment, could you? You just had to spoil my happiness. I remember your exact words like it was yesterday.

“Twalha!” You literally screeched. “ The guy does NOT like you! I know him! He’s a big player. You’re just an easy target to him. You were supposed to hook up with N!”

I explained, “H, I did not like N! I don’t even know why you thought I would! He isn’t my type, honestly. I..”

“TYPE?!” You let out a sarcastic laugh “You can’t have a type! Look, N suits you! He’s black…like you. Short…like you. Chubby…like you. Super Cute Guy is the complete opposite. He’s too handsome for you! I’m telling you, he just wants to play you. Don’t be so stupid!”

I turned away to look outside the window so you wouldn’t see the tears welling up. I don’t know why I did not stand up to you. Why I did not tell you that I’m more than my looks & that Super Cute Guy can really like me. But at the time, my mind just accepted your words as the truth. Infact, Super Cute Guy did get my number & called me a few days later, but I was rude & told him never to call me ever again. Only cause your damned words kept ringing in my ears. I only understood much later that it was your jealousy that did not want me to be with him. You were so used to getting the attention of all the boys that if even one liked me instead, it would bother you so much. You’d never understand it so you’d make sure to sabotage it.

H, there’s so much I regret not saying to you when I had the chance. You had a sort of power on me where I could not dare answer you. I was afraid of you casting me away like I’d seen you do to others. Looking back, maybe you should have. It would have certainly spared me more heartbreaks over the years.

You betrayed me. You spilled all my secrets to the world when I begged you not to. You told me to shut up when I cried instead of comforting me. You refused to come by to see me when I needed you, even though you had a car at the time & I didn’t. You told me to take a taxi & come see you instead. Which I did. I was a dutiful friend, after all. Silly, silly me. I was so afraid of disappointing you, I did not realise I was only destroying myself. I wonder if I really loved you or if I just had some sort of low self esteem issue that I felt could only be fixed by your approval. One thing for sure, you never really loved me. You loved how I made you feel.

I noticed you never liked having equally pretty friends around you. You chose to make me your “best friend” because I made you feel better about yourself. You’re  a model. I’m just Twalha. The short fat friend who always tagged along to make you laugh. Anyone else who is even remotely pretty, you’d not waste a second to criticize on how long their nose is or how deep their voice sounds. I wonder why I always saw confidence in you instead of the insecurity masked underneath.

But the Universe always has a way of showing you the things you really need to reflect in your life. It kept bringing new friends to me, ones who would always be true, kept me smiling & were always positive to me. I also grew to be a better person because I realized I carried some of your toxic traits of criticizing others or being a liar. I realized, I had to get rid of that. I did not want to become like you. You were no longer my inspiration or role model. Yes you’re beautiful. But you have nothing else going for you. Not within you either, not with that ugly personality. I thank the Universe for showing me what true friendships really means. I’m glad the people that came in, tolerated me & saw that I was actually a good person. I just needed to believe it.

Friendships are about uplifting each other up. Recognising a persons value & worth, mostly making sure they know it too. There is no jealousy, manipulation or stabbing at the back. There is no putting each other down or draining each others energies. True friendship is selfless, pure & kind. There is love in that. And you feel the love. You don’t ever feel the need to question it.

Wherever you are, Dear H, I do want you to understand that I still want the best for you. For your own sake, I do hope you will change for the better. I understand how you treated me came from a place of self-hatred & insecurity, and it really had nothing to do with me. It was all you. I do hope, you know the meaning of self-love. It is not wearing the latest clothes, having a vogue worthy cover face or being the next runway super model. It is not having men lusting for you or women envying you.

Self-love is knowing your value regardless of all of those things. It is also accepting of yourself of the flaws you have & still understand its what makes you human. You’re not meant to be perfect. And it’s alright. I really do hope you understand that. Someday.

I actually want to thank you. I started this letter off as a rant but I saw a different side of myself while typing. There is a reason why God placed you in my life, I’ve learned so much about respecting & standing up for myself. Never again would I ever allow someone to treat me the way you did all those years. It wasn’t easy to walk away from this toxic relationship, but it was so necessary for my well being. You did not understand when I explained how I felt. You just started off whining about how people never appreciated you, that you were only trying to “help” me.

You were never a really good listener, H.

But God bless you, for you did help me. Just not the way you think.


Your happier without you Ex Best Friend


Thanks for reading, guys! It took  me a while to accept that I once went through verbal abuse with this person. You know how it is when you don’t like being a victim, but I just couldn’t deny it any longer. I needed to write this as a way to also release the pain I once felt. I do hope this has helped someone in some way. Remember, you don’t have to accept such people in your life. Anyone who drains you or makes you feel like absolute crap; there is no excuse for them to stay. They need to leave. Now. Nothing is worth the pain they make you feel.


Image courtesy of Google


Coffee time - My Thoughts

#IfikieWazazi (#Let it reach the parents)

ifikie.jpgImage courtesy of Google

So there’s a new trend going on in Kenya where our youngsters have taken to the streets to expose themselves in explicit manner. Photos of young ladies who are stripped down to almost nothing, young guys groping these girls’ privates & even some sexual poses that could make you squirm on your seats.

Now being Kenyans, we’re hella mad at what our kids are doing. That’s only natural. After all, they are supposed to be our pride & joy. They’re supposed to be our shining future. So we’ve taken to social media to further expose & humiliate them so they can see the error of their ways & also in hopes of raising awareness to their parents. We’re doing the right thing cause we’re only protecting them, yes?

When you think about it, really think about it, will it end there?

What would happen if, say, all of their parents come to know? There will be yelling, screaming, cussin, breaking of plates, breaking of bones. There will be limitations to use of the internet, or even no internet at all. They may probably have their freedom limited, or not given to them anymore.

It does not end there. It will never just end there.

Sure, some of these kids will feel ashamed & will make a decision to turn into a new leaf. But one thing will always hold true. The big reason why these kids are admittedly doing such things.

Instant fame

Do ya’ll remember the time when those young college girls were caught making sex tapes with dogs? We blamed the foreigner who got them into it but aren’t a bunch of 18 & 19 year olds just mature enough to know right from wrong? What could they have possibly been offered to agree to this? We then blamed the parents for not watching over their kids & not being strict enough. I think no matter how much a parent can try to restrict, it’s all down to how their kids will behave when they aren’t around. We shouldn’t be blaming the parents, they can only teach them right from wrong & send them off into the world.

Our kids today are being inspired by the celebrities who make it seem so easy to become famous. Like how Paris Hilton & Kim Kardashian made sex tapes before they were well known? Actually, we don’t even have to look that far. Let’s look at the people in our own country. You know who I mean. Some of our very well known socialites.

Their social media pages are splashed with images of themselves living such grandiose life styles. They claim to have gotten their money from doing “work” that we are yet to witness, bring any real contribution to our country. It’s all speculation, really, because the fact is they get their money from their rich daddies or wealthy sponsors. So rich that they even alter their bodies to perfect what will bring them more fame. We’re also contributing to their fame by obsessively following them, buying into their lifestyles, worshipping them & their fake booties. We’re guilty of giving them exactly the publicity they need to do more & more.

You see, the more spotlight they have on them, the more they want to stay in it. If it dims just a little, they go ahead & do something extreme to get people’s attention so they can get that spotlight bright again. To them, any kind of publicity is good publicity. It becomes an obsession. They HAVE to be the most talked about. They HAVE to get more likes & followers. They HAVE to get in the breaking news. It becomes a sickness to be honest.

I’am not blaming the socialites alone. Infact, I wish they’d use the fame they have to do so much more. They know youngsters look up to them so why not make their time in the spotlight more meaningful? With all that money that they do have, why not contribute to the growth of our country? Build more charities. Get teens to be more aware of the problems we face. Educate them on how we can solve these problems. Help them become the next best shinning stars using their talents, not their bodies.

Parents too, it’s time for you to have honest conversations with your kids. Do not threaten them that you will beat them blue black if they do this or that. Understand that as your child grows, so does the peer pressure. Get to be more aware what’s happening around your kids & don’t say you do not have the time. How could you not?

It’s important for parents to remind kids that there’s more to life than becoming famous. It’s important to focus their time on their passions, whatever that may be. They need to express interest to what their kids love to do & help work with that.

The media can help too! Instead of focusing on people who haven’t really done anything to deserve fame why not show more inspirational people who worked hard to be successful, the ones right here in our country. We do not give them enough exposure that they deserve & they’d be the perfect role models to our kids because they have experienced the real Kenyan life. The media should also advertise more organisations that need helping hands to better the lives of others. I’m loving how there are a few shows like The Entrepreneur & Under 40 CEOs on our tv stations.

Now if only they could wipe off Nairobi Diaries! Because…well…COME ON!! What can a person possibly learn from such a show? Bitch slap a person? Have a venomous mouth?

Please bring back quality television shows!

And you, who is reading this. Even you can help. Next time you see a picture surface with that hashtag, try to reach out to those kids. Maybe for some of them, it’s not just about instant fame but a cry for help. So they do these things for attention, unfortunately it’s the wrong kind of attention that would attract the eyes of predators. Be the person who tells these kids that their future is at stake by doing things like this. Be the person who tells them that they can do much, much better than this to be noticed. Be the person who whispers words of hope & encouragement. Enough with the bashing. Enough with the shame. Enough with the hate.

They need us to extend our hands & show them the right path. They need to hear there’s a lot more to achieve in life than a million “likes”. They need to hear that we see them, we know they are amazing & we rely on them to be our bright shinning stars. They can do it. We can do it.

Sending you loooove ❤